Ashamed to say, I wandered away

The last post on this blog was 26 November. The date I'm posting now is 4 December. I missed devotion for 4 days and in those days lots of ground was lost. I sank back into the dark and took God's grace for granted.

I don't have real repentance. A change of mind.

Or is it that I did have real repentance? But I allowed myself a look back at the past and decided, despite my past experiences, to choose again the errant path?

I'm sorry, Lord. Here on this blog that is yours really, I say I'm sorry. Search my heart, Lord. You know that I'm worried that You'll stop loving me. That after this time that I sinned the same sin I promised and declared I had victory in your name over, You would give up on me. I'm ever plagued not just by the thought that You will leave me but also by the thought that You have every right to. It would be so easy for You to walk away and leave me there alone. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. But please, please don't. Really really. Please don't. I dread the days without You to guide me. I'm sorry. Life as it is can go on. Phones can still ring, people laugh, cry and work. Trees grow, computers hum, I eat dinner. But Lord, it will not be the same when you are gone. Please please don't leave me. Please cleanse me again so I can talk to you and you to me.

I need the blood of Jesus. I cannot live thinking that You cannot bear to be near me. I cannot do without You. Right now I realize this because I have sinned. But when I haven't committed sin that rocks me to my core, I take your grace for granted. Lord, I want to live knowing what it is to be under grace everyday. Whatever the consequences Lord. Everyday. I want to be broken. Everyday. Please forgive me.

Remorseful and asking,

Jo.

{Get up off your knees. Wipe the tears from your eyes. Lift up your head and let the king of glory come in. And the Lord's warmth and love engulfed my soul and would not let it go. Thank you, Lord. }