I realised that in the past 2 days of seeking, I've been doing it very hurriedly and aggressively. Every time I open the Bible, my mindset has been: I HAVE to get something out of here. And if I don't try VERY VERY hard, I won't be able to get anything. So I'm going to try VERY VERY hard.
Haha and it turned out to be a very dry, seemingly methodological time. This is not to say that I didn't learn anything at all. I did. They were valuable lessons all with the central theme of trusting the Lord. It's just that I was being so preoccupied with doing my best that I (at times) completely forgot who I was doing my best for! It is like trying to find your mother's lost wedding ring for her which she dropped in the overgrown garden and being so preoccupied with your task, you are rude to her and end up inevitably in a yell-fest involving her apparent ungratefulness even at the sight of you crawling around on hands and knees for her ring. Which completely contradicts your original intention of putting her at ease by finding her ring, don't you think? It started out of love and compassion and ended up in disappointment.
Likewise in my quest for truth and knowing God more. I cannot be so preoccupied in reading words off a page that I completely ignore his presence. Every minute I am reading, my heart is anxious that I will not be able to get anything out of this. My mind is bombarded with worries that God doesn't want to speak to me or that it was going to be one of those days where you try and nothing jumps out at you from the bible. I wanted nothing less than an earth-shaking epiphany every time I read the bible. (Haha Jo, be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it. Earth-shaking epiphanies usually involve earth-shaking application.) In short, my mind was everywhere but on the one I was seeking. Haha the irony!
So today, I will put aside all these thoughts of what God is thinking of me and what I think he is going to say to me. And actually, listen. Not talking in my mind and asking 'guiding questions' to fill in the silence. Simply listening and waiting with a quiet, expectant heart. Let him get his two cents in. Hahha... God, this is funny! I have to let your 2 cents in! Shouldn't it be the other way around? Such is the messy room that is my mind. You seem to have to maneuver around my mind-clutter.
Lord, I surrender my mind to you.
{Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow everything I believe in. Now I surrender.}
{Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior. The hope of nations.} - Hillsong, Mighty to Save
I can't fabricate for you the way that you want to communicate with me, Lord. I struggle for words to describe what I am feeling and thinking now. I can't exactly capture my thoughts accurately. But I know the central thing of all this is: I need mercy. Have mercy on me, Lord father. I surrender under your Grace.
Hungry,
Jo.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, oh God, You will not despise." - King David in repentance after he has committed murder, Psalm 51 : 17.
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