All along, whenever I thought of God, I would feel guilty. I was always plagued with the thought that I was not doing enough or I was not good enough. I was plagued by my copious failures and my insult to the grace God had given me by wasting my time on other things. Not reading my bible every second of the day... and the list goes on.
But the Lord showed me that getting close to Him and knowing Him more was not a one-sided affair ridden with guilt and remorse. (What kind of freedom was that, right??) I felt like this week he went on a love-Joanne week rampage. I got lovely messages from people I never expected to hear from that told me that God sent them messages of peace that He meant for me. Out of the blue. I remember thinking to myself that God was sweet. Then He spoke to me during devotion, addressing so strongly the emotional and struggles that lay heavy on my heart that I could not help but respond with a few tears hastily wiped away when all heads were bowed and all eyes closed in prayer. Then He visited me in my room while I sat reading an encouraging response from a church leader and I burst out in inexplicable tears. (It was so bizarre. There was no emotion that I felt before that and suddenly, I was in tears. Really bizarre. Like I couldn't control myself. Woah. But I needed it. For some reason, my heart heaved and great relief came from tears like that.) He showered me with love that I couldn't explain. The gestures were so sweet and personal. They could make me blush. Cute, sweet gestures that romantics would squeal over.
Then suddenly, I felt free. It was not a one-sided thing all the time. He was responding to me too! He gave me stuff. He likes me! And so I thought: I don't have to have some deep spiritual reason for giving You something, I can give it simply because I want to. I want to shower you will random, silly acts of love. The way I love you is not controlled and compartmentalized by laws from you about how to love. I am free to love you freely! What a feeling! It meant I could run, and jump and kneel when I want without worrying whether it was appropriate before God. I was free from "tell me what I should do, Lord. I only want to hear from you." While that is true, then wouldn't it be a one-sided thing where God tells you what He wants to hear and see? Where's the freedom in that? You have the freedom to worship and praise and shower Him silly with love with all you've got and all the creativity you have! No fixed way that God decrees you have to praise Him. When it comes from a sincere heart wanting badly to please the Lord, you've got it.
Today in service, I basked in this type of freedom. I am blessed, I can sing as loud as I want within the walls of the an air-conditioned place surrounded with like-minded people. Then I suddenly had this picture of me kneeling outside the court of the Lord. The doors were closed. And I wondered, what was the difference between worshipping within the courts of the Lord and worshipping outside the courts, outside the doors. What will it mean to be let in to worship and give reverence to the king of the court? What would it mean for me? I think the answer is not far away but coming soon. And my heart beats in slight fear and excited anticipation, like a spectator waiting for racing cars to round the bend, knowing that they'll be there any second. A father waiting for the birth of his first child.
Thank you, Lord. You made me free to worship You! I can do it the way I want and praise You! It's kinda awesome You know. That You look at the heart and not the actions. :) Thank you.
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