Will God forgive repetitive sins?

This short message by Timothy Keller (picture below) assures me that:

1) The short answer is Yes. There is no limit to the Grace coming from above.
2) The more important point of repentance is true repentance. Not partial repentance.
3) You shouldn't be worried about whether God is going to throw you away. you should be worrying about what was the root of your sin. Identify it so you can get over it.

Here's the link so whoever wants to see it can go see it. May it bring you comfort and challenge you today. For living right is harder than saying sorry.

"If you didn't earn your salvation to start with, how are you going to un-earn it?" - Tim Keller.

In the Good times and Bad

Hi whoever is out there,

I realize that I shouldn't just blog or write when things are good. This blog should be an attempt at a reflection of accurate snapshots of life. Of good times and bad. So here's the bad.

I am far from God, I believe. I have let my thoughts stray and my actions deny Christ that I profess to be my Lord and Savior. And yet in writing this, I feel that this desperate acknowledgement of my straying has put me on the road into the King's presence again. What a strange feeling and thought.

It is as if, because I am willing to face my lack of Christ, I am one step closer to being close to Him. Can it be that confessing to myself, forcing myself to admit that I am far from the Lord, be the first step to returning. The more I think of it, the more I think and know that it is. And my mind asks my heart: How do you KNOW?

That's a really good question. How is it that I just know that admitting that I am far from Him bring me closer?

I think on firstly, it's logical. You can't heal a sickness without admitting you have a sickness so that immediately opens up options of seeking help towards getting a cure.

Secondly, having been under His Grace for some time, I pretty much see a pattern with our loving Lord of Everything. I don't think there has been a time that I have heard Him say to me: I'm not going to help you. I don't know you. I don't care about you. He has never said that to me when I have gone to Him, broken, ashamed, unable to hold my head up, wanting to come back into His presence again. If there has been any example of Gomer, Hosea's wonton wife (read about her story in Hosea!), I think I could be a close profile fit. I have done things I would rather not talk about in public even while under the understanding that I am a Christian. And yet, God has never said, go away, to me when I come crawling back from another one of my exploits spurred on by disobedience.

Christians are really broken, limited people that need the love of God. We are not supposed to be any different that any one out there. We just had the privilege of meeting Jesus. And how he mended that broken needy heart of ours. After the basic mending, He then took our hands and walked forward revealing more to be changed to mend deeper issues in our hearts. Christianity is a constant cry for help. It is an acknowledgement that I am not enough. That I need help.

July was here AAAAAAAAAAAAND IT'S GONE!

Hey whoever is out there,

Today I was really blessed by a book I was reading and that's a rare thing for me. Not because I rarely receive blessings haha, but because I, in all honesty, rarely read! Really. I realized that all around me, church leaders like to read alot but I don't. And sometimes I wonder whether it is normal for me not to like to read. I mean, I love to read adventure and thriller novels. Reading the Bible has always been a fight for me because for a monumental book that I have to base my life upon, I desire to read it less than say, a storybook. But I think this is where discipline comes in. Discipline is needed to get started and keep going in the long run. The Lord will make it relevant to you and when it seems like it doesn't, I will trust that I am reading that particular passage for a reason. It may not be because God wants me to  take back some spiritual truth like "Love your neighbour as yourself" all the time. Sometimes, I genuinely feel that it is a much needed history lesson or maybe a time where questions that I have never thought before comes to mind to challenge my faith. And I was just thinking that just like a sword is wrought through constant hammering and re-working, so is faith. So I will continue thinking that the Bible is a book to never put down despite its difficulty to digest (especially since the time, culture and mindsets of the people who wrote is so different from ours' today) because it is one of the ways, and the fastest and easiest way at that, I can get to know about God. But anyway, I have digressed long enough, here is the passage that I hope encourages you as much as it has encouraged me!

A Glimpse of Glory

"How, then, can we have access to the presence of God in [a way that is akin to when the compassion and love of another person helps you deal with your suffering, when someone's unconditional approval and encouragement transforms your fear into resolve, when an encounter with beauty seems to neutralize your anxiety and give you hope]? How can we have these foretastes? Jesus and the disciples (James, Peter, John and Mark) are barely off the mountain (Mark 9) before he gets a chance to show us how to make our way into God's presence. 

When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him. "What are you arguing with them about?" he asked. A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not. 

(Mark 9:14-18)

A big argument was going on among the teachers of the law and a crowd of other people and Jesus's disciples - those who hadn't gone up the mountain. They're trying to exorcise a demon, and it's not working. Evil is present and everyone's confused. 

Again, Mark takes the existence of demonic activity - of a continued battle against evil, personal supernatural beings - as a self-evident aspect of reality, a fact of life. Not everyone is personally possessed by a demon like the boy in this story, but Paul says in Ephesians 6 and elsewhere that we are all fighting demonic "principalities" all the time. Remember that even Jesus was not immune to their attacks. We read earlier on in the book of Mark that just after his baptism Jesus "was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan" (Mark 1:12) 

The boy in this story is possessed by a demon, making him deaf and mute and causing convulsions. It is an overwhelming physical and spiritual condition that not only renders the boy helpless, but also stymies everyone around him - his father, the disciples, the teachers of the law. The story continues: 

"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. "it has often thrown him into the fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy;s father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently, and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."

(Mark 9:19-29)

The disciples were trying to exorcise a demon. But they have been trying to exorcise it without prayer. How arrogant, how clueless they are about their inadequacy to deal with the evil and suffering of the world. The disciples tries prayerless exorcism for the same reason that they couldn't understand why Jesus had to die - they didn't see how weak and proud they were. They underestimated the power of evil in the world and in themselves. 

The teachers of the law are there too, probably criticising. Only one figure in this whole scene is acknowledging his weakness, admitting that he does not have what it takes to handle the suffering and evil he faces - the father of the boy. 

This man asks Jesus, "Would you heal my son?" and Jesus says, "Everything is possible for him who believes." That is, "I can do it if you believe." The father responds, " I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" - that is, "I'm trying but I'm full of doubts." Then Jesus heals the man's son. This is very good news. Through Jesus we don't need a perfect righteousness, just repentant helplessness, to access the presence of God.

Jesus could have told the man, "I am the glory of God in human form. Purify your hearts, confess all your sins, get rid of all your doubts and your double-mindedness. Once you have surrendered to me totally and can come before me with a pure heart, then you can ask for the healing you need." But Jesus doesn't say that - not at all. The boy's father says, "I'm not faithful, I am riddled with doubts, and I cannot muster the strength necessary to meet my moral and spiritual challenges. But help me. " That's saving faith - faith in Jesus instead of in oneself. Perfect righteousness is impossible for us, and if you wait for that, you will never come into the presence of God. You must admit that you are not righteous, and that you need  help. When you can say that, you are approaching God to worship. 

But we cannot leave this scene without an acute awareness of what Jesus is about to lose. He has lived for endless ages in glory with the Father. On the mountain, we see Jesus surrounded by God; on the cross he will be forsaken. On the mountain we see the life he has always led - embraced and clothed with the love and light of God - but on the cross he will be naked in the dark. 

Why did Jesus put himself through that? He did it for us. Paul tells us clearly that evil is unmasked and defeated on our behalf at the cross. He writes in his letter to the church at Colossae that Jesus "disarmed the power and authorities...triumphing over them by the cross" (Colossians 2:15).

And on the mountain, through the Spirit, God was strengthening Jesus for his mission, for the infinite suffering he would endure to defeat all evil. And God can empower us in the same way to face evil and overcome our  own suffering. 

You may know in your head that God loves you - but sometimes the Spirit makes it especially to clear to you that that is the case. Sometimes through the Spirit you can hear God make a statement of unconditional, permanent, intimate love. Sometimes you don't just know about God's love but in your heart you actually hear God saying, "You're my daughter, you're my son, I love you. I wold go to infinite cost and infinite depths not to lose you - and I have."

When you have pursued God in repentant helplessness, you will have worshipped. And every time you sense his embrace, your soul will shine the slightest bit brighter with his reflected glory, and you will be the slightest bit more ready to face what life has in store for you." 

Excerpt above from Timothy Keller's uplifting book, King's Cross.

It takes you through the Book of Mark and is clear and concise. Coming from the girl that doesn't read a lot of books, I would want this in my sparse collection. 

It's been some time indeed.

Haha, I have been reading my previous posts. All 9 of them. And all of them reveal an insecure, growing teenager hahaha. I winced in so many places! And I apparently write really badly ah.

Now, things are a lot different :) While my writing is still awkward and dependent on CAPS to get a point across, I am still growing. That good la. Good enough :) And I have learnt many many things while this blog languished in CyberSpace. Many things that I hope to share with whoever wants to know.

I have come to an acceptance of the logical conclusion that this blog will never reach the heights of fame that some other blogs have reached. But I am OK with that. :) Really. If this blog is ever read, well, I think maybe God had a plan for you, dear reader. And that plan could be anything! :) It could be so fantastic your heart beats with wonder and fear just thinking of it. Or maybe it is a call to eat a cheeseburger to fill your stomach and craving. Yes, the Lord is interested in the little and big things of your life. Not just so that He has another minion to control on the chessboard of life. I believe and have experienced that more than anything, He just wants to be with you. To share life with you whom He created for a purpose and a beautiful intent that only you, unique you, can fulfill. I could go on and on about this but nah, I shan't :D You can leave a message for me if you want and we can chat. Not just about Christiany stuff but like how's the weather, where do dogs go where they die or even debate the best type of teas to drink on a rainy day. I could do that. I think I like that more really haha :) Not because the topics are "un-Christian" per se but more so because we can't avoid Christ anyway! He is everywhere and the king of the world. He does whatever He wants.

I bet a good many questions have come to your mind reading this. I am not surprised. Many have come to mine by just putting my thoughts in writing. Drop me a message at joanne_teo90@hotmail.com if you would like someone to thresh out your thoughts with! :) Or if you just want somewhere to be yourself.

Ok this has been a long post. Will come back another time :)

Failures Anonymous (Our Daily Bread, 25 March 2011, John 21:3-17)

It’s my duty to grill the burgers, brats, steaks, or whatever else my wife has on the menu. And while I’m not the greatest chef when it comes to outdoor cooking, I love the unforgettable aroma of grilling over a charcoal fire. So the mention of a “fire of coals” in John 21:9 catches my attention. And I find myself wondering why John would include this detail in the story about Jesus calling a failing Peter back to serve and follow Him.

In verses 1-3, it’s apparent that Peter had reopened his fishing business. Just a few days before, Peter was warming his hands over a charcoal fire when he denied Jesus to save his own skin (John 18:17-18 ESV). So why not go back to fishing?

While Peter and his cohorts were casting nets, Jesus built a fire on the beach. Coincidence? I doubt it! And as Peter approached Jesus, I wonder if the pungent aroma of the burning charcoal brought back memories of that other fire where he had failed Christ. Yet Jesus in His mercy took the initiative to call Peter back into His service.

Think of it: Jesus is willing to forgive our failures and call us into His service. After all, if only perfect people qualified to serve Him, He wouldn’t have anyone to choose from!

Although we are imperfect,
The Lord can use us still,
If we confess our sins to Him
And seek to do His will. —Sper

Being imperfect doesn’t disqualify us from serving God;
it just emphasizes our dependence on His mercy.

You really free?

The Lord led me to see that I really was free in a specific aspect of my life. Aspect = To be me and to LIVE.

All along, whenever I thought of God, I would feel guilty. I was always plagued with the thought that I was not doing enough or I was not good enough. I was plagued by my copious failures and my insult to the grace God had given me by wasting my time on other things. Not reading my bible every second of the day... and the list goes on.

But the Lord showed me that getting close to Him and knowing Him more was not a one-sided affair ridden with guilt and remorse. (What kind of freedom was that, right??) I felt like this week he went on a love-Joanne week rampage. I got lovely messages from people I never expected to hear from that told me that God sent them messages of peace that He meant for me. Out of the blue. I remember thinking to myself that God was sweet. Then He spoke to me during devotion, addressing so strongly the emotional and struggles that lay heavy on my heart that I could not help but respond with a few tears hastily wiped away when all heads were bowed and all eyes closed in prayer. Then He visited me in my room while I sat reading an encouraging response from a church leader and I burst out in inexplicable tears. (It was so bizarre. There was no emotion that I felt before that and suddenly, I was in tears. Really bizarre. Like I couldn't control myself. Woah. But I needed it. For some reason, my heart heaved and great relief came from tears like that.) He showered me with love that I couldn't explain. The gestures were so sweet and personal. They could make me blush. Cute, sweet gestures that romantics would squeal over.

Then suddenly, I felt free. It was not a one-sided thing all the time. He was responding to me too! He gave me stuff. He likes me! And so I thought: I don't have to have some deep spiritual reason for giving You something, I can give it simply because I want to. I want to shower you will random, silly acts of love. The way I love you is not controlled and compartmentalized by laws from you about how to love. I am free to love you freely! What a feeling! It meant I could run, and jump and kneel when I want without worrying whether it was appropriate before God. I was free from "tell me what I should do, Lord. I only want to hear from you." While that is true, then wouldn't it be a one-sided thing where God tells you what He wants to hear and see? Where's the freedom in that? You have the freedom to worship and praise and shower Him silly with love with all you've got and all the creativity you have! No fixed way that God decrees you have to praise Him. When it comes from a sincere heart wanting badly to please the Lord, you've got it.

Today in service, I basked in this type of freedom. I am blessed, I can sing as loud as I want within the walls of the an air-conditioned place surrounded with like-minded people. Then I suddenly had this picture of me kneeling outside the court of the Lord. The doors were closed. And I wondered, what was the difference between worshipping within the courts of the Lord and worshipping outside the courts, outside the doors. What will it mean to be let in to worship and give reverence to the king of the court? What would it mean for me? I think the answer is not far away but coming soon. And my heart beats in slight fear and excited anticipation, like a spectator waiting for racing cars to round the bend, knowing that they'll be there any second. A father waiting for the birth of his first child.

Thank you, Lord. You made me free to worship You! I can do it the way I want and praise You! It's kinda awesome You know. That You look at the heart and not the actions. :) Thank you.

The joy of being a failure: an un-emo note with an emo title

God has been very understanding and a real friend to me.. I love Him for that.

I've had a copious failures as a leader in church and as a person in life and started to feel sian of church and churchy stuff. I seemed to be caught in an endless cycle of falling and getting up again. Dusting myself off and trying again only to fall down. And all around I perceived perfect people with no trouble at all. I felt inferior. Stupid. Unworthy of leadership. Yesterday, I even refused to read the bible. Oh yea, I got the blues pretty bad.

But today at family devotion, I was asked to read from the devotional material that we used weekly. The title was "Failures Anonymous". Through that, God told me it was ok to be a failure. To dust myself off and walk forward in the second chances He gives. At that point of time, I was fighting off tears. God understood and He did not mind that I was a failure. He loved me for who I am. He spoke to me through His word. He's my friend who understood and comforted me. So as my cousin closed the session in prayer, I took advantage of the fact that all eyes were closed to wipe away tears of relief and gratitude.

I wanted to get it out and read as soon as I can because I didn't want to forget His goodness. I also didn't want to hide my thankfulness. There is joy in being a failure. Failures rejoice!!

2011

hahaha I typed a super long entry and deleted accidentally. OH WELL. Happy new year :D

A personal question

"God, do you love me? Do you like me?"

Dare you ask this question? Ask it and take the answer personally. And if you even dare to, ask why too.

Blessings,

Jo.

What I want to live out.

Our Daily Bread

Saturday,
December 4, 2010

Inspiration To Perspiration

Read: Titus 3:1-8

Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only. —James 1:22

My grandfathers were both gardeners and so are many of my friends. I love visiting beautiful gardens—they inspire me. They make me want to create something equally beautiful in my own yard. But I have trouble moving from the inspiration to the perspiration part of gardening. My great ideas don’t become reality because I don’t spend the time and energy to make them happen.

This can be true in our spiritual lives as well. We can listen to the testimonies of other people and marvel at the work God is doing in their lives. We can hear uplifting music and great preaching and feel inspired to follow God more diligently. But soon after we walk out of church, we have trouble finding the time or making the effort to follow through.

James described such Christians as being like those who look in a mirror, see themselves, but do nothing to fix what is wrong (James 1:23-24). They hear the Word, but it doesn’t lead to action. James says we need to do—not just hear.

When we move from the inspiration of simply “hearing” about the good being done by others to the perspiration of actually “doing” good works ourselves, the implanted Word of God (1:21) will bloom into a beautiful garden of spiritual fruit. — Julie Ackerman Link

I’d rather see a Christian Than to hear one merely talk; I’d rather see his actions And behold his daily walk. —Herrell

Life works best when we do.

Bible in a year: Ezekiel 47-48; 1 John 3

{Credit for devotional material: http://mobi.rbc.org/odb/2010-12-04.html . Thank you, people at Our Daily Bread for posting it online for all. Its such a blessing. }

Ashamed to say, I wandered away

The last post on this blog was 26 November. The date I'm posting now is 4 December. I missed devotion for 4 days and in those days lots of ground was lost. I sank back into the dark and took God's grace for granted.

I don't have real repentance. A change of mind.

Or is it that I did have real repentance? But I allowed myself a look back at the past and decided, despite my past experiences, to choose again the errant path?

I'm sorry, Lord. Here on this blog that is yours really, I say I'm sorry. Search my heart, Lord. You know that I'm worried that You'll stop loving me. That after this time that I sinned the same sin I promised and declared I had victory in your name over, You would give up on me. I'm ever plagued not just by the thought that You will leave me but also by the thought that You have every right to. It would be so easy for You to walk away and leave me there alone. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. But please, please don't. Really really. Please don't. I dread the days without You to guide me. I'm sorry. Life as it is can go on. Phones can still ring, people laugh, cry and work. Trees grow, computers hum, I eat dinner. But Lord, it will not be the same when you are gone. Please please don't leave me. Please cleanse me again so I can talk to you and you to me.

I need the blood of Jesus. I cannot live thinking that You cannot bear to be near me. I cannot do without You. Right now I realize this because I have sinned. But when I haven't committed sin that rocks me to my core, I take your grace for granted. Lord, I want to live knowing what it is to be under grace everyday. Whatever the consequences Lord. Everyday. I want to be broken. Everyday. Please forgive me.

Remorseful and asking,

Jo.

{Get up off your knees. Wipe the tears from your eyes. Lift up your head and let the king of glory come in. And the Lord's warmth and love engulfed my soul and would not let it go. Thank you, Lord. }

Show me Your face, Lord

Show me Your face, Lord
Show me Your face
Then gird up my legs that I might stand in this holy place
Show me Your face, Lord
Your power and grace
I could make it to the end if I can just see Your face

Moses stood on the mountain
Waiting for You to pass by
You put Your hand over his face
So in Your presence he wouldn’t die
All of Israel saw the glory
And it shines down through the age
Now You’ve called me to boldly seek Your face

David knew there was something more
Than the ark of Your presence
And in a manger a baby was born
Among kings and peasants
All of Israel saw the glory
And it shines down through the age
And now You call us to boldly seek Your face

Show me Your face, Lord
Show me Your face
Then gird up my legs that I might stand in this holy place
Show me Your face, Lord
Your power and grace
I could make it to the end if I can just see Your face
Yes we can make it to the end if we can just see Your face.

- written by Don Potter.


(What a song. That's some seeking right there. And someone that knows what seeing God's face really means. What's so good about seeing God's face? What good does it bring? What value does it have? I know I sound positively heretical but that's a question that I would like to be able to have a rich answer to. Why are we going on as Christians? Why am I Christian?

Because I have seen His power in my mother's life. He pulled her through tough times. And a woman of cautiousness would never throw herself into a position where she knew she would be mocked and shunned by her family for her faith. But she did. That speaks plenty for me. And that I have experienced the love of God and a little tip of the ice-berg of the supernatural (Tooth was dead and after prayer came back to life. It turned from black to white. Shoulder muscles felt much much better after being prayed for. Felt like new. Exams were supremely blessed by the Lord. He speaks to me through the Word and in my mind.) I hope to give an even richer answer soon. What a song. The meaning that it holds is so loaded that if it were an apple tree, its branches would be sagging under the weight of the fruit. Amazing. )

Practical Application

Lessons in real life are much more scary than theory. And a lot more helpful for me I think. I learned that a real leader stands ready to face the music in any situation. Even if its staring death in the eye. And that sounds so pretty, heroic and do-able. Until we actually are in that position itself.

Today was a typical example. (Except that I wasn't staring death in the eye. Nor was I the established leader. Age-wise, however, I could be considered a leader.) My cousins meet up regularly and for 2 days we decided to hold a kind of Cousin Camp (affectionately dubbed the Cuzzy Camp). One of the activities during this camp was a water fight with water bombs. We decided due to general laziness and an unwillingness to lug more than 20 kilos of water in little plastic bags down to the field near our house, we would play in the corridor. I know I know. When I'm typing this I'm thinking the exact thing you are probably thinking right now (AKA what-a-waste-of-water, how-old-are-these-cousins, who-does-this-sort-of-things-nowadays, etc.)

So the fight ensued. I hurled a water bomb in the direction of my sister and it exploded with great aplomb on the stairs of the floor below us. Following the splash soon after was an irritated voice suggesting that we stop in case we really drenched a person for real. It turns out that we had almost hit someone visiting our neighbor. The fight continued where we were with us trying our best to keep our volume down so we won't be yelled at again. Unfortunately, another water bomb went sailing to the exact same spot where apparently on impact would alert the neighbor. Immediately, I ran out of sight so if there was a scolding, it wouldn't be for me. Everyone followed me except for one brave soul, Melissa. She was the one who had been seen and scolded from the first bomb and still she remained. The rest of us? Hiding 10 meters away in cowardice.

Although we didn't get scolded, the fight moved to the bathroom. It was fun but I was aware of this feeling that I had done something wrong the entire time. So when all of us were standing on towels dripping wet outside the bathroom waiting for our turn to shower, my conscience pricked me severely. I was disappointed and disgusted with myself for running away and leaving someone younger to take all the scolding and blame. I was angry that I had caused trouble for so many people (I noticed that my domestic help was not very happy with me either). A boulder seemed to have landed where my heart was.

So all of us went down to apologise to my neighbor for disturbing the peace. I was expecting a full-out scolding loaded with scorn, disdain and other unpleasant things but there was none. I stood yet again under grace. He looked at us with eyes that bore no malice and said it was ok. He even gave me a hug. I was reminded of how it was like to receive grace and what grace was. We apologised to my domestic help too and put the drenched bathroom back in order, wiping the floor and rearranging the little knick-knacks that all bathrooms have.

A leader stands up for what is right, regardless of what may happen to him. For me, it seems illogical and impossible to do that. You can't have that kind of self-sacrificial action without a strong belief system. It's not something that you tell yourself to do on a whim. This morning's verse was from Psalms 27.

{¹⁴ Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.} Ps 27: 14

That's trust right there. It's knowing that even if you do face something horrible because of something you do, trusting that He will deliver you when you are repentant and have mercy on you is what I take back for today.

Life is amazing, isn't it? Forgive me, Lord and mold me more. Perfect pottery I want to be.

Hungry,
Jo.

THAT'S GOOD NEWS

The passage of Ephesians 2:1-22 speaks for itself. Reading this blog entry is a sorry substitute for the power and liberation that lies in the word of God. Seriously, if anybody is ever reading this, go link on the bible link above please. It is the good news out there. WOOT.

In Ephesians, Paul is writing to the well, Ephesians. Ephesus was a land where the Greek god Artemis was prevalent. It was also home to a large population of Jews. When some of the Jews hardened their hearts and started persecuting Christians around them, Paul started to spread the message to the Gentiles. (Courtesy of http://www.christianinconnect.com/ephesians.htm) I am of Gentile origin so when I read this, i was relieved and happy. (Hey, beggars cannot be proud, ok? And besides, pride's exactly what I have too much of anyway. But the beauty of it is that God didn't strike me off his fancy party list. He saw me (saw us!) for what I was and still accepted me.)

Perhaps some people have trouble with seeing themselves as inherently bad as Christianity always seems to suggest. I mean, I have that problem. Its the thought that "Am I THAT bad? I mean, I do charity and stuff and well, I just don't think I'm BAD. I don't murder and stuff. ", that causes a little bit of brain frownage for me. But this mindset comes because we are again looking into the telescope the wrong way. We are thinking with the mind of philosophers and theorists. To understand the ways and the heart of God, won't we have to look from His perspective? It's not that questioning God is not allowed. (In fact, questioning is an essential habit to knowing him better and an awesome indicator among many that you have a 2 way relationship.) It's understanding before you judge. And against such love, you can stand?

Paul has met God, and that's why I believe his words are written here and shown for all to see as a representation of the truth as told by a man who has seen through God's perspective and is relating it the best way a man can to man.

{For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.} - Paul to the Ephesians, Eph 2:9-10

That last part right there, "to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Woah.

Grace: Favor/Good will. When you have done wrong to a person and the person not only does not hold it against you for you callousness but goes to the point of extending help to you like you are his beloved. That's Grace. And that's what you and I received.

At this point, the commonly used phrase 'All glory be to God' is most appropriate, I think. THANK YOU, JESUS!

Hungry and satisfied and happy,

Jo.

{Meaning of the name 'Joanne': God is Gracious. }

Seeking the Lord with a quiet heart

I realised that in the past 2 days of seeking, I've been doing it very hurriedly and aggressively. Every time I open the Bible, my mindset has been: I HAVE to get something out of here. And if I don't try VERY VERY hard, I won't be able to get anything. So I'm going to try VERY VERY hard.

Haha and it turned out to be a very dry, seemingly methodological time. This is not to say that I didn't learn anything at all. I did. They were valuable lessons all with the central theme of trusting the Lord. It's just that I was being so preoccupied with doing my best that I (at times) completely forgot who I was doing my best for! It is like trying to find your mother's lost wedding ring for her which she dropped in the overgrown garden and being so preoccupied with your task, you are rude to her and end up inevitably in a yell-fest involving her apparent ungratefulness even at the sight of you crawling around on hands and knees for her ring. Which completely contradicts your original intention of putting her at ease by finding her ring, don't you think? It started out of love and compassion and ended up in disappointment.

Likewise in my quest for truth and knowing God more. I cannot be so preoccupied in reading words off a page that I completely ignore his presence. Every minute I am reading, my heart is anxious that I will not be able to get anything out of this. My mind is bombarded with worries that God doesn't want to speak to me or that it was going to be one of those days where you try and nothing jumps out at you from the bible. I wanted nothing less than an earth-shaking epiphany every time I read the bible. (Haha Jo, be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it. Earth-shaking epiphanies usually involve earth-shaking application.) In short, my mind was everywhere but on the one I was seeking. Haha the irony!

So today, I will put aside all these thoughts of what God is thinking of me and what I think he is going to say to me. And actually, listen. Not talking in my mind and asking 'guiding questions' to fill in the silence. Simply listening and waiting with a quiet, expectant heart. Let him get his two cents in. Hahha... God, this is funny! I have to let your 2 cents in! Shouldn't it be the other way around? Such is the messy room that is my mind. You seem to have to maneuver around my mind-clutter.

Lord, I surrender my mind to you.

{Take me as you find me, all my fears and failures. Fill my life again. I give my life to follow everything I believe in. Now I surrender.}

{Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior. The hope of nations.} - Hillsong, Mighty to Save

I can't fabricate for you the way that you want to communicate with me, Lord. I struggle for words to describe what I am feeling and thinking now. I can't exactly capture my thoughts accurately. But I know the central thing of all this is: I need mercy. Have mercy on me, Lord father. I surrender under your Grace.

Hungry,
Jo.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, oh God, You will not despise." - King David in repentance after he has committed murder, Psalm 51 : 17.

God is with me (Emmanuel)

Today (actually yesterday) I was excited to read the devotional because I had taken a sneak peek and seen "Growing in Maturity". Hahha, I was thinking that it was all quite awesome that the Lord knows my personal project so well :)

Today's verse was 2 Timothy 1:1-18. In it, Paul, an amazing guy who really knew God, writes to his beloved friend and disciple (Timothy) one last time before he was persecuted for his faith. His words were meant to encourage Timothy who was now leading the people of the church in Ephesus. It was a time of grief and fear for the Christians as they were being persecuted by the Roman Emperor Nero and 'friends' were deserting the imprisoned Paul right and left. Paul encouraged Timothy to be strong in the face of such persecution and to be be brave, even when the going looks tough.

In the devotional material that I use (Closer to God, publisher: Scripture Union), these words impacted me the most: " As Timothy reads of his mentor's suffering, his imprisonment and how his so-called friends have deserted him (v 15), the reality of what it would mean for him to continue to testify about Jesus must have struck fear into his heart. We can only imagine what Timothy thought as the growing realisation dawned on him that it was now up to him to seize the baton, grow in responsibility and 'fan into flame' (v 6) his gifting. "

Being a Christian suddenly became more than just crying out to God for help and warm fuzzy feelings in the church pews when you stood in God's love. There was the practical too. I think Timothy was in a position to see what being a Christian truly meant and entailed. (No, it doesn't mean all Christians have to die in a scourge. Well, if you are a in favor of genocide then, you'll be the exception, I guess.)

It spoke a lot for me who at this point only feels that God is with me only when I am feeling fuzzy feelings or have amazing revelations from God. God is with us even to the end. I cannot feel nice feelings under persecution, nor do I feel like I've hit major inspiration of some sort but in those times, God is with me. As Paul puts it: " Yet I am not ashamed [of the gospel], because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." (v 12)

He really really knows God! WOW. God can be trusted, his word is true. That's what I got from here. Haha. In application, don't be ashamed of the word of God. Preach it relentlessly, even in the face of danger and scorn. I can be said as stupid or narrow for believing the word. But I hope to echo the words of Paul in the face of this.

Til I reach full spiritual maturity and if that day beckons,

Hungry (at this point for physical and spiritual food),

Jo.

"Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come. 'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far and it is Grace that'll lead me home...The Lord has promised good to me; His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." - John Newton, Amazing Grace.

Song of my heart

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes

To step out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves. ...

Oh what I would do to have

the kind of strength it takes

To stand before a giant

with just a sling and a stone.

- "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

This song is the question of my heart. If I want it so much, why don't I have it now? I'm waiting for it to grow, albeit very impatiently. Like the kid sister watching her older sister doing rows of algebra with ease and dreaming of the day that she too would be able to be as clever and apt at something that seems so far out of her reach. She continues to dream as she takes up her pencil and tries to add up 3 and 2.

I wait and prepare for the day that I'm spiritually mature!!

Glittering-eyes-kind-of hungry,

Jo.

God is Gracious

Devotion today was Matthew 20: 1-16. Using the analogy of a vine-yard and the vine-yard owner's strange method of paying people, Jesus explains what the kingdom of God is really like. Here's how the story goes:

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A vine-yard owner goes out early in the morning to look for people to work in his vineyard. He finds some and negotiates a price of one denarius for a day of work and sends the newly employed laborers off to his yard. Walking into the marketplace at about 9 am, he notices some people loitering around, doing nothing. He asks them to go work in his vineyard too and that he will give them the amount he thinks is befitting of them. He did the same thing at 11 am and again at 3 pm. At 5 pm (one hour to the end of a work day), he went out again and found even more loitering people, of whom he queried, "Why aren't you guys working?"
"Well, no one called us to do anything." They replied. The owner says, "Alright, you guys go work too."

So the work day drew to an end and the laborers gathered around the owner to get their pay.

To the guys that arrived at 5 pm, the owner gave 1 denarius. To those that came at 11 am and 3 pm, they got a denarius too. Seeing this, those who were hired at 6 am all thought that they would be getting more. After all, they had done the full day of work, all 12 hours. However, when it was their turn, the owner gave them 1 denarius as well.

Feeling cheated and undervalued, they complained to the owner, "Hey, look here buddy. The last guys you hired worked for an hour and you paid them the same wages as us! Have they done the same amount of work that we did? We were the ones in the scorching heat, you know? 12 hours! That's just unfair! You failed math in school or something?"

The owner looks up at one of them and replies in surprise, "If I didn't remember wrongly, I do believe we had a mutual agreement this morning that you would work a whole day for a denarius. So take what you have and run along. But I wish to give the other guys the same amount as you. I'm not breaking the law by doing what I want with what I own, you know. Or are you guys just being petty and bad-natured just because I'm being generous? So everyone shall receive an equal share."
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When I first read it, I thought, "Well, that's just unfair to the workers who came earlier God. They worked more and suffered so much more!" Then I realized that I was saying this from the early worker's perspective. If I put myself in the late comers shoes, I would be overwhelmed by the grace that was given to me. Wow, I'm getting more than I deserve! Such a generous dude! Oh my goodness, I'm getting the same amount of cash as the people who worked the whole day! Whoa, they look kinda pissed.

When I first read the passage, I was confusing God's character with his kingdom characteristics. I first read it taking Jesus to be the landowner. But something just didn't make sense. Haha, then I read the first verse again. It says: "For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner.." The Kingdom of Heaven is like the landowner, not Jesus like the landowner. There's a difference really. Looking at a room, because there are many bright colors and a well-used violin lies in a easy-to-access place we determine that its owner is probably cheerful and plays the violin quite well. But we don't look at the room and say that the person is colorful and has a violin in an easy-to-access place on his person. Nope nope. The room reflects the person. It is not the person himself.

The landowner (the kingdom of heaven) is not exclusive to who has done more work, who has the better heart or who has the best looks. It was open to all. Anybody from anywhere. Jews and Gentiles. The loved and the abandoned. It was based on a rule of non-exclusivity. You are in heaven as long as you went to work in the vineyard. This characteristic of heaven revealed to me that the Lord was a gracious, merciful God. That he is prone to giving second chances and being pro-active in a relationship. THAT'S AWESOME NEWS. A divine being, taking the initiative in a relationship?! WHOA.

*I came back and edited this post haha. As much as I want to hold God's hand, I hope that this blog presents a carefully thought over contemplation of God's word. Not a slipshod crash reading that may prove to be a stumbling block to others. I am learning that a relationship is a 2 way thing. God does his part, I do mine. One-sided love never works, you see? :)

Questions:

1) This is sounding a bit like Marxism to me. Everyone gets an equal share? Then how would you motivate the former workers? How to prevent feet-dragging?

Actually, this is Marxism at its best. Karl Marx wanted a classless and stateless utopia where there was no oppression (which he deduced came from the upper classes trying to maintain power over the majority of working class by exploiting them). When you think of it, it sounds wonderful. A world where there are no inequalities. But then, world reality bites you in the behind when you suddenly realize: If I'm going to get the same as everyone else, why should I go the extra mile or even work my share? I would be kind of stupid then.

So what makes us operate on this mentality that we must work for a reward? The alternative to working hard for a reward is working hard because you absolutely LOVE what you are doing, isn't it? You can't help working hard! And that's the caliber of a true servant of God. They can't help it. Yup :) THAT'S what I'm looking for.

Hungry,
Jo.

What's this blog about?

Hello blogworld. I'm Joanne :)

This blog was started because honestly, I didn't really have a concrete reason for why I was in church. I know that God exists because He talks to me and has done amazing things like bring my dead tooth back to life. But still something seems missing. I seem to lack a certain passion and fire for Christ. I want that hunger after God. In other words, I want to know God for who He is. The reason why people die for this belief and people press on like its their purpose in life. I'm tired of singing amazing stuff in church and not living it out. I peg my not-living-it-out syndrome to the lack of paradigm shift which means I truly don't know God well enough. I'm in search of that true repentance.

I'm aiming for mindset (heart) transformation. That's the most important function of this blog.

"And we, with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." - 2 Corinthians 3:18

Lord, this blog is yours and mine. I dedicate it to you. You came looking for me when I walked away from You. Now, I would like to go after you too. I want to know you more.

Hungry,
Jo.